realsorien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
realsorien) wrote2009-12-08 08:48 am
realsorien) wrote2009-12-08 08:48 am
Entry tags:
Okay, More Writing!
Last night I started work once again on the story wherein the nasty scene with the charnel pit takes place. I've gotten a few pages down, and I'm looking for opinions- I know where some problems are, specifically its damn near all dialogue with very little description or exposition. Take a look and tell me what you think. Right now its just titled 'Santa Carla', being as the inspiration for Bill and his background was the movie 'Lost Boys'.
Bill was just finishing loading his pack with his schoolwork; the end of another day at Santa Carla Middle School, the start of another evening of homework. As he shut his locker door, a voice came from behind.
“Hey Bill!”
“Hey Fred. I thought you had football practice tonight?”
Bill turned to face his friend, big enough seemingly to eclipse the sun. Fred as usual had that stupid grin plastered across his face.
“Yeah, in an hour. You seen Eddie? He wanted to watch.”
“Naah. He wasn’t in class today. Probably just flu or something.”
Fred shrugged. “Yeah, well if you see ‘em, let ‘em know we’re gonna be in the south field today.”
“I can do that.”
Fred’s grin, momentarily gone, returned. “Good. We meeting tonight?”
“At Greevy’s? Yup. I should be done with this crap by then.”
A long glance at the stack of books and papers in Bill’s arms makes Fred flinch. “Dude, how the fuck you gonna have any fun with all that shit in front of you all the time?”
“How the hell are you ever gonna pass Algebra speaking in grunts like that?”
“Nerd.”
“Asshole.”
Fred laughs. “See you and Jimmy later.”
Bill just stares. “Dude, NEVER let him hear you call him that. Serious.”
“Oh, it can’t be THAT bad.”
“He’s a contender for Junior Golden Glove middleweight; you think he ain’t?”
“Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that. This time for sure- see you later!”
Fred strolls off towards the gym, leaving Bill to head home alone. Come to think of it, her realized that Eddie hadn’t been in school yesterday either. “Ah, he’s fine. Bet he’ll show at Greevy’s tonight,” he thinks, making his way through the streets.
Once home, he jogs up to his room and dumps his books on the bed. His mother appears in the doorway just as he does so.
“Have you seen your brother?”
“No, ma; I think he’s at the shop with dad til seven.”
She nods, brushing a wisp of sun-blond hair from her eyes. “Okay. There’s hamburgers downstairs if you want some.”
“I’ll be right down... Not tofu burgers?”
“No, not tofu burgers.” She sighs and exits.
The evening passes, and at the appointed time Bill left home for the traditional gathering at Greevy’s Malt Shop. He knew his brother James and the rest of the crew would be there, and he looked forward to malts and general geekery with friends. Striding in he sees that Fred’s already there, glowering at an extremely pissed-looking James.
“Oh great. What now?”
James glanced at his brother. “He called me Jimmy. I HATE that!” With that, James returns to staring down Fred, or trying to.
“Fred... Dude, I DID warn you. Before you two wreck the place, you want to apologize?”
“Its just a fucking name. Why should I?”
“Cos he’s your fucking friend and his name is JAMES, maybe? Come ON, both of you. This is stupid.”
Fred looks at Bill, then Back to James. He lets out a long sigh. “So why don’t you wanna be called WIlliam, Bill?”
“Thats my grampa, dumbass.”
“Oh. Fine... I’m sorry. James.”
James holds the hostile posture for a moment longer, then rubs the back of his neck with a rueful grin. “I guess it is kinda stupid. But I’m James, ‘kay?”
Bill looks at the pair and shakes his head. “Fuckin’ alpha males. You DO know that testosterone shit’ll get you killed, right?” With that, he grabs a seat at their usual table. The rest of their group, Allen and David make their appearance and join them. Allen, taped glasses slipping as usual down his nose shoves it back up as he sits down.
“Where’s Eddie? He gonna be late?”
“Haven’t seen him,” Bill replies. “He wasn’t in class yesterday or today.”
Fred looks at Bill over the his menu. “You didn’t say that earlier.”
“I didn’t think of it til you’d gone to the gym.” To this Fred just grunts.
The waitress arrives and takes their orders, used to the boys’ being here. She heads back to the kitchen as the quintet return to their talk.
“What if he’s disappeared?” David opines.
“I’d call not being seen by us for two days kinda disappeared, wouldn’t you?”
“Shut up, Fred. He means gone-disappeared. As in not coming back.”
“Shut up yourself. I knew what he meant. I mean, Davy, you know his folks right? You been over there?”
“Only last Friday. I could swing by tomorrow after school; maybe he’s sick or something. I thought I heard something about his grandma in Phoenix being sick too- could be they hadda fly out.”
This seems reasonable to them all, so the discussion turns to more mundane things... At least til the waitress brings their food and turns on the television at the counter.
“... And once again Santa Carla is the scene of a family in pain; Edward Gonzales, 13, has been reported missing by his parents, Leon and Sarah Gonzales. According to police, the boy was last seen leaving his home for school Monday morning; neighbors indicate that within the Gonzales household there was some strife, what that means has yet to be determined. In other news...”
All five boys sit in silence at the news report; none of them actually believed that their friend was missing, and the reality of it hits hard. James is the first to speak.
“Oh... Shit.”
David stares for a bit at the TV, then shakes his head. “What do you guys think?”
“The newsguy almost made it sound like... They thought his folks did something? What the fuck?”
“Nah, that ain’t it, James. Those fuckers always say shit like that.”
“Watch the mouth Bill. It don’t make you cool and we don’t wanna get kicked out!”
“Whatever.”
Fred watches the brothers spar, thinking. He knows that the pair fight like this all the time and knows to wait til it plays out. When he thinks its run its course, he clears his throat.
“We should do something. I mean, other than bitching at each other.”
Allen blinks, then grins. “Yeah! We should! ... Like what, Fred?”
“Well... Try and find him? The kids that disappear have to go somewhere, right?”
David slurps down some malt, then wipes his mouth. “Where do we look? And when? Its Wednesday- two more days of school.”
“Screw school He’s a friend; we should skip and look.”
“Bill, don’t be a lameass. He’s been gone since Monday, and the cops are looking already. Two more days won’t change shit.”
“Bite me, James. FIne. Saturday then? Where do we look?”
“Um... wasn’t he getting into climbing? climbing rocks and stuff?”
“Yeah... Wasn’t doing so hot though. I was gonna get him into weights instead; he’s more built for that.”
“You just want a free spotter, Fred.”
“No, serious! He’s built like a barrel- perfect for lifting. He’s kinda squat for a climber.”
“I’m gonna start looking now.” With that, Bill gets up to pay his tab; James rises as well, but to prevent his brother’s exit.
“Bill. We all know you. Don’t. If he’s lost, he’ll turn up. If someone grabbed him, you might end up with him the hard way. And if he ran away... D’you really think you’ll find ‘em?”
For just a moment it looks like Bill might swing on his brother... But the moment passes. He finishes paying, but sits back down rather than charging off.
“I hate this.”
Bill was just finishing loading his pack with his schoolwork; the end of another day at Santa Carla Middle School, the start of another evening of homework. As he shut his locker door, a voice came from behind.
“Hey Bill!”
“Hey Fred. I thought you had football practice tonight?”
Bill turned to face his friend, big enough seemingly to eclipse the sun. Fred as usual had that stupid grin plastered across his face.
“Yeah, in an hour. You seen Eddie? He wanted to watch.”
“Naah. He wasn’t in class today. Probably just flu or something.”
Fred shrugged. “Yeah, well if you see ‘em, let ‘em know we’re gonna be in the south field today.”
“I can do that.”
Fred’s grin, momentarily gone, returned. “Good. We meeting tonight?”
“At Greevy’s? Yup. I should be done with this crap by then.”
A long glance at the stack of books and papers in Bill’s arms makes Fred flinch. “Dude, how the fuck you gonna have any fun with all that shit in front of you all the time?”
“How the hell are you ever gonna pass Algebra speaking in grunts like that?”
“Nerd.”
“Asshole.”
Fred laughs. “See you and Jimmy later.”
Bill just stares. “Dude, NEVER let him hear you call him that. Serious.”
“Oh, it can’t be THAT bad.”
“He’s a contender for Junior Golden Glove middleweight; you think he ain’t?”
“Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that. This time for sure- see you later!”
Fred strolls off towards the gym, leaving Bill to head home alone. Come to think of it, her realized that Eddie hadn’t been in school yesterday either. “Ah, he’s fine. Bet he’ll show at Greevy’s tonight,” he thinks, making his way through the streets.
Once home, he jogs up to his room and dumps his books on the bed. His mother appears in the doorway just as he does so.
“Have you seen your brother?”
“No, ma; I think he’s at the shop with dad til seven.”
She nods, brushing a wisp of sun-blond hair from her eyes. “Okay. There’s hamburgers downstairs if you want some.”
“I’ll be right down... Not tofu burgers?”
“No, not tofu burgers.” She sighs and exits.
The evening passes, and at the appointed time Bill left home for the traditional gathering at Greevy’s Malt Shop. He knew his brother James and the rest of the crew would be there, and he looked forward to malts and general geekery with friends. Striding in he sees that Fred’s already there, glowering at an extremely pissed-looking James.
“Oh great. What now?”
James glanced at his brother. “He called me Jimmy. I HATE that!” With that, James returns to staring down Fred, or trying to.
“Fred... Dude, I DID warn you. Before you two wreck the place, you want to apologize?”
“Its just a fucking name. Why should I?”
“Cos he’s your fucking friend and his name is JAMES, maybe? Come ON, both of you. This is stupid.”
Fred looks at Bill, then Back to James. He lets out a long sigh. “So why don’t you wanna be called WIlliam, Bill?”
“Thats my grampa, dumbass.”
“Oh. Fine... I’m sorry. James.”
James holds the hostile posture for a moment longer, then rubs the back of his neck with a rueful grin. “I guess it is kinda stupid. But I’m James, ‘kay?”
Bill looks at the pair and shakes his head. “Fuckin’ alpha males. You DO know that testosterone shit’ll get you killed, right?” With that, he grabs a seat at their usual table. The rest of their group, Allen and David make their appearance and join them. Allen, taped glasses slipping as usual down his nose shoves it back up as he sits down.
“Where’s Eddie? He gonna be late?”
“Haven’t seen him,” Bill replies. “He wasn’t in class yesterday or today.”
Fred looks at Bill over the his menu. “You didn’t say that earlier.”
“I didn’t think of it til you’d gone to the gym.” To this Fred just grunts.
The waitress arrives and takes their orders, used to the boys’ being here. She heads back to the kitchen as the quintet return to their talk.
“What if he’s disappeared?” David opines.
“I’d call not being seen by us for two days kinda disappeared, wouldn’t you?”
“Shut up, Fred. He means gone-disappeared. As in not coming back.”
“Shut up yourself. I knew what he meant. I mean, Davy, you know his folks right? You been over there?”
“Only last Friday. I could swing by tomorrow after school; maybe he’s sick or something. I thought I heard something about his grandma in Phoenix being sick too- could be they hadda fly out.”
This seems reasonable to them all, so the discussion turns to more mundane things... At least til the waitress brings their food and turns on the television at the counter.
All five boys sit in silence at the news report; none of them actually believed that their friend was missing, and the reality of it hits hard. James is the first to speak.
“Oh... Shit.”
David stares for a bit at the TV, then shakes his head. “What do you guys think?”
“The newsguy almost made it sound like... They thought his folks did something? What the fuck?”
“Nah, that ain’t it, James. Those fuckers always say shit like that.”
“Watch the mouth Bill. It don’t make you cool and we don’t wanna get kicked out!”
“Whatever.”
Fred watches the brothers spar, thinking. He knows that the pair fight like this all the time and knows to wait til it plays out. When he thinks its run its course, he clears his throat.
“We should do something. I mean, other than bitching at each other.”
Allen blinks, then grins. “Yeah! We should! ... Like what, Fred?”
“Well... Try and find him? The kids that disappear have to go somewhere, right?”
David slurps down some malt, then wipes his mouth. “Where do we look? And when? Its Wednesday- two more days of school.”
“Screw school He’s a friend; we should skip and look.”
“Bill, don’t be a lameass. He’s been gone since Monday, and the cops are looking already. Two more days won’t change shit.”
“Bite me, James. FIne. Saturday then? Where do we look?”
“Um... wasn’t he getting into climbing? climbing rocks and stuff?”
“Yeah... Wasn’t doing so hot though. I was gonna get him into weights instead; he’s more built for that.”
“You just want a free spotter, Fred.”
“No, serious! He’s built like a barrel- perfect for lifting. He’s kinda squat for a climber.”
“I’m gonna start looking now.” With that, Bill gets up to pay his tab; James rises as well, but to prevent his brother’s exit.
“Bill. We all know you. Don’t. If he’s lost, he’ll turn up. If someone grabbed him, you might end up with him the hard way. And if he ran away... D’you really think you’ll find ‘em?”
For just a moment it looks like Bill might swing on his brother... But the moment passes. He finishes paying, but sits back down rather than charging off.
“I hate this.”